


The Common Theme

by schatzchen



Category: Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Daddy Issues, F/M, M/M, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-10-31 13:21:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17850233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schatzchen/pseuds/schatzchen
Summary: Stefan is starting university for programming in a new city and needs somewhere to stay. He finds a spare room to rent in a couple's apartment, which ends up belonging to none other than famous sci-fi writer Colin Ritman and his wife Kitty. Stefan ends up uncovering strange truths about the Ritmans, himself and his place in the universe.In which Kitty and Colin like to experiment and it leads to much more than just that.





	1. September

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone! who isnt over bandersnatch? me! i dont know if anybody will read this but if you do i really appreciate ya. bless yall

The woman Stefan had spoken with on the phone had sounded normal. Nice, even. Warm and friendly and welcoming and very excited to meet the person who would be renting the unoccupied room in their apartment for the foreseeable future. So when he was met by bright orange hair like a mane around her head and makeup that looked so otherworldly that he had to do a double take, he was shocked to say the least. It was not in an unpleasant way, and she greeted him with a friendly smile, so she could not be all that bad. 

“So, this is you,” she said and lead him out of the apartment.

“Wha-”

“You have your own entrance, yes,” she giggled. It almost seemed like she could not stop smiling since the moment she had set her eyes on him. In normal situations, this would make Stefan uncomfortable, but somehow it felt familiar. Comfortable.

“Wow, that’s really,” he began but his voice faltered when he saw the man in the doorway of Kitty’s apartment. Stefan recognized him from somewhere, but he could not quite say from where. Somewhere on the telly or in a newspaper. Or maybe the bleached blond hair and thick glasses were enough of a distinctive look to make anybody take a step back.

Of course he would find out who it was the moment he entered his new home. It was quite nice, newly remodeled with white walls and big windows facing out over the busy street. It was empty, however, except for a bed and a closet, both equally as white as the walls, but Stefan could not bring himself to unpack before he found out just who the man he was renting a room from was. Thus he went online, searching everywhere he could find for a famous Ritman. It only took a minute, and Stefan felt stupid for not knowing who it was initially. Colin Ritman, the author of renowned sci-fi novels Metalhead and Nosedive, award winning writer, and extremely private person.

He also found out that Colin Ritman had just released a new book, Bandersnatch, and made a promise to himself to go buy it as soon as he had the opportunity. Stefan could not say what was more embarrassing - buying the book just because they were now roommates, or not reading it at all. Either way, he decided to keep it to himself.

He wondered how much he would even be seeing of them. There was a separate entrance to his part of the apartment which was fully equipped with its own small kitchen and bathroom. Actually, he guessed they would rather not see him at all for his duration there. That is what he concluded was the most likely option as he scrolled through his fifth article about Colin Ritman, the sci-fi novelist. They all went along the same lines of him not being very keen on even doing interviews for magazines and newspapers at all, and only did it in order to sell more copies of his books. Stefan even chuckled at that.

Falling asleep was easy. Dreaming was hard. The dreams came to him suddenly and hard and all at once, most of them involving some strange entity, a demon, a lion figure chasing him. More often than not, they also involved Stefan’s own demise, or the demise of his loved ones. He dreamt of being stuck in a retro video game. In this dream, he was Pac-Man, running around a maze and never getting anywhere, but ghosts are were not chasing him. It was always that lion figure.

Waking up was as sudden as dreaming, but dreaming never made him so ashamed and self-loathing as waking up did. This particular night, the bed was completely wet, but not only with sweat. Stefan forced back tears as he picked up the wet, dirty sheets, put them in a plastic bag before putting on new, clean ones. He grabbed a new pair of underwear and tossed the dirty ones into the same bag as his sheets. After that, he laid down in his bed and stared at the door connecting his tiny apartment to the main apartment belonging to Kitty and Colin. 

He wondered if he made any noise when he had nightmares. His father had never told him that he did, but he always seemed to be awake in time to see the state Stefan was in once he too woke up from the horrible dreams. Perhaps he did make noise. He just had to hope their bedroom was not on the other side of that wall.

Stefan fell back asleep quite quickly after that. Easy, smooth as always. This time, the dream was not stressful. There was somebody above him, holding him. He felt small under them, but it was not in a bad, powerless sort of way. It was precious. He was protected. Something started to come clearer into view but he could not quite grasp it. He could not quite hear it either, but oh god could he feel it. It was heaven. It was like he could recall being a baby.

The next morning, he forgot about the dirty laundry and only remembered once he was out the door. Making a mental note to book a time to do laundry, he went downstairs and to his first day of university. It was dull, as expected, but he loved programming, so just anticipating what was to come later on was worth the boring first third of the course. Programming just felt so natural to Stefan, as if he had done it over and over in many lifetimes, when in fact he had only done it as an optional course in his last two years of sixth form.

Afterwards, his feet lead him into a bookstore where Bandersnatch by Colin Ritman was stacked on shelves in the back of the sci-fi section. He grabbed a copy and headed to the counter, grabbing a notebook in the process.

Coming home was weird. It was not yet really his home, and he saw The Colin Ritman hanging around outside the apartment block in his way home, to which he promptly ducked his head under his hood and tried to hide the bag from the book store under his arm. Luckily, he did not think he was noticed, but as he turned his head while entering the door, he saw Colin looking back at him. 

The first thing he noticed was that the plastic bag with laundry was gone. He clearly remembered not taking the laundry with him, and he was immediately suspicious. Could anybody have come in and taken it? He stalked over to the door connecting his and the Ritmans’ apartments, and tried opening the door very carefully, as to not make any noise and alert anybody of his actions. The door handle turned downwards and Stefan’s breath hitched in his throat. It was open.

Still, there was a chance nobody had come into his room and seen what he had done. A slim chance. He tended to forget things, and forgetting that he had already taken out his laundry was not too big of a stretch. He stepped over his bag and reached his bed, on which he sat down and brought up the book he had bought at the store. 

Bandersnatch. The cover was menacing in a strange way, creepy in a way akin to 1984, old fashioned and outdated but it felt so modern in all of that. He traced his finger over the title and the author’s name. Colin Ritman. Stefan’s new roommate. The first few pages passed by like nothing, the words flowed like honey and Stefan was disappointed in himself for never even giving Metalhead nor Nosedive a few pages before giving up. He should have been studying, but decided that it could wait.

He was only interrupted by a knock at the door, so hard that he dropped the book onto his chest. The door swung open to reveal a mane of orange hair and to Stefan’s horror, a laundry basket. Kitty was smiling at him and Stefan managed to let out a small ‘hey’ as she entered his room. She greeted him back with a smile and in that moment, he knew that she knew, and he could not help blushing to a dark crimson and wishing he could disappear. She only smiled a knowing smile before assuring him that it was all okay.

After that painful minute, when he was once again left alone with the book and alone with his embarrassment, he brought Bandersnatch up to his face and was met with a sense of deja vu. It was as if he had been in that scenario before. Kitty finding out about just how dirty he was, smiling at him knowingly, no embarrassment on her part. Only understanding. Stefan put his arms over his face as he realised just how ridiculous the thoughts sounded.

Stefan finished Bandersnatch by eleven in the evening. The book had been a ride - never once stopping in its intensity and only really making Stefan paranoid. It was about a young boy in the eighties, a video game creator, who believes that he is being controlled by somebody from the future. It had started out gentle, but from page thirty, it had been intense all the way throughout and it had really captured Stefan. Maybe he would even reread it tomorrow, or over the next week.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by the sharp sound of a baby’s cries. It was coming from nowhere else but the Ritmans’ apartment. They had never mentioned having a baby, especially not one that cries at night. Stefan scoffed and rolled over to his ride, pressing his pillow over his ear and trying to drown out the sound. Stefan had never liked babies, but he could never tell why. He guessed it was a symptom of being an only child, but it felt like more than that.

After a few minutes, the baby cries stopped, but were replaced by something even more horrifying. A bed hitting the wall. Repeatedly. Thunk Thunk Thunk. Soon, a woman’s moan. Then, a man’s cursing. Why were the walls so god damn thin? Stefan tried to press the pillow even harder over his ear but to no avail. He simply let it go, and listened to the noises. She sounded happy, and so did he. A string of moans could be heard from the woman. From Kitty. Stefan felt his cock growing harder by the second and when he heard The Colin Ritman let out a moan, almost a growl, he could not help but to starting rubbing his cock.

That night he dreamt of getting on a train. He dreamt of his mother. Her long, brown hair and her soft hand in his own leading him onto the train. She was dressed strangely, like they were stuck in the sixties. For some reason, Stefan knew the dream would turn bad, and it did as soon as the train started moving. Thunk Thunk Thunk. Stefan tried to steady himself but the train was rocking from side to side, and his mother seemed so calm about all of it. Much too calm. He pleaded for her to say something, but when she turned his head, she was not the same. A mane of orange hair.

He woke up with a jump and heard that noise again. Thunk Thunk Thunk. Don’t they ever stop? The bed was wet and Stefan prayed to himself that it was only sweat - which it was. He thanked god as he laid down again, trying to drown out the noise by putting on earphones and listening to music.

Over the last few weeks of September, Stefan did not really do anything in particular. He did not make friends at university. He did not go to any bars. He read Bandersnatch over and over. Sometimes he looked out of his peephole and saw young girls and boys being taken into the Ritmans’ apartment by either Colin or Kitty. He listened to the strange mix of noises from their apartment and wondered what kind of weird people they were. Lastly, he jerked off to the noises as soon as they came, but he did not know why. Something in him told him it is the right thing to do. He pictured The Colin Ritman in front of him. Doing nothing in particular. And even that got him off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there ya have it! i have another chapter finished which will be published tomorrow most likely. 
> 
> so, this is not strictly just colin/stefan. its more about the dynamic between all three of them. but i can tell ya its gonna be good.


	2. October

When October came around, Stefan had read Bandersnatch three times, each time being equally as intense as the one before. He felt like he could really relate to the main character. Even their names were similar. Stefan and Steven. 

University work was starting to pile up but Stefan felt he had it under control, and tried to study every night. It was quite hard, he realised, as he sat at his makeshift desk - which was really just a chair by his bed - and tried to cram everything into his brain while he heard the now familiar Thunk Thunk Thunk against the wall. He supposed he was happy for them. It was better than the baby crying, at least.

Stefan sighed and leaned back against the wall. His eyes were tired from looking at a computer screen for hours and he needed something else. Instinctively he grabbed Bandersnatch and laid down, earphones on to drown out the sound of his roommates fucking in the room next door. He wanted to read it again, but it seemed he could not do it when he was hearing the author himself moaning and grunting at the same time. 

One day when Stefan was coming back from university he saw Colin Ritman standing outside the entrance to the apartment building smoking a cigarette. He briefly considered just turning around and waiting until Colin had gone, but he decided against it for reasons he did not even know himself. He even felt like he should speak to Colin, as they had never once spoken to one another, which was even weirder. While taking a deep breath he started walking towards him, careful not to look up at him, but Colin seemed to notice as soon as the thought entered Stefan’s mind. Stefan looked up, and there he was. What he noticed first was just how much taller Colin was than himself. At least five inches.

“Mr. Ritman,” Stefan said, arms crossed and shoulders hunched. He did not know how to continue, so he just blurted it out as Colin stood there, cigarette in hand, eyebrows raised. “I really love your book, I mean the new one, Bandersnatch, it was really-”

“I’m sure it was, Stefan,” Colin said, the tone harsh but comfortable, as if talking to an old friend you had grown so used to that even insults were not off the table. It was almost indicating that they had known each other forever. As if this was not their first conversation. It silenced Stefan, and Colin sighed, as if he regretted how sharply he had answered Stefan’s compliment. “Thank you.”

The thank you was genuine, and Stefan was happy with that for now. When Stefan was lying in bed that night, he remember the way Colin had said thank you. It was apologetic. Like he was apologizing for more than the way he had snapped a little bit. That was not the only thing Stefan was thinking about. He was thinking about things he would rather not even admit to himself. How tall Colin was, how big his hands were, how his raised eyebrows looked so threatening but also just so incredibly handsome. When the familiar Thunk Thunk Thunk never came, instead only baby cries, Stefan was actually disappointed.

That night he dreamt of being in Colin’s arms. In this dream he was unable to form any words, just mumble, let out a string of random syllables, to which Colin would laugh. He did not need to be able to speak, because the connection he had to Colin was more than that. It felt so comfortable, so natural, like that was where he was meant to be, in the arms of Colin Ritman.

Stefan was disappointed when he woke up. He missed that comfort and that feeling of being so small, so precious, being taken care of by none other than Colin Ritman. 

That was the first night in a long while with no nightmares. When he woke up his sheets were completely dry. No sweat, nothing else. Except that Stefan had a boner. That was almost equally as shameful as anything else he could have done, because he knew what it meant. It was because of Colin. Stefan himself had never really thought about his sexuality, as he was not very often attracted to people. He’d had a crush on a girl when he was thirteen, a girl who had even laughed at him when he suggested they go out together. Stefan was a late bloomer and he always felt left behind. The feeling he got when he thought about Colin was just that. 

Stefan had never even had sex. He had kissed two girls, never a guy. He always sort of knew he was not one hundred percent straight, and it never bothered him, as he thought that he could always choose to only go for girls anyway. This was different from any attraction he had felt towards a girl before, however. He wanted Colin to be bigger. He wanted Colin to be more experienced. He craved it. He wanted to be taught, and it was scaring him.

He thought about being invited over to the Ritmans’ apartment, being taught by Kitty and Colin. Their little protegé. Stefan grabbed at his cock hard, rubbing the actual devil out of it, imagining lying in between the couple in bed as they pampered him. There was no baby in this fantasy. Only Stefan.

The next time Stefan saw Colin, he was far too embarrassed to say anything, but to his surprise, it was Colin who stopped him outside of the apartment. Colin grabbed Stefan by the shoulder and urged him to stop, a strange, cryptic expression on his face that Stefan was unable to read. 

“We never got a chance to properly meet,” Colin says, sounding far more polite than Stefan would have expected.

“Mr. Ritman,” Stefan says, eyes growing big, embarrassed as if Colin knew what Stefan had been thinking and dreaming about him for the last couple of days.

“Don’t come at me with that ‘mr. Ritman’ crap,” Colin said, sounding far more like what Stefan would have expected. “I’m Colin, yeah?”

Colin reached out a hand for Stefan to shake. Stefan grabbed it. It was looser of a handshake than Stefan anticipated, but it quickly tightened and Stefan thought he might pass out. His hands were so big, so warm, so rough from typing away at the computer.

“I’m Stefan,” he said, before realizing he had left out his last name. “Butler! Butler.”

Colin could not hold back a chuckle. “What do you do, Stefan Butler?”

“I’m studying here, at the university.”

“What are you studying?” Colin said, one eyebrow raised.

“Programming,” Stefan said, realizing this was turning into quite a boring conversation, and he would rather crawl into his bed and think about what Colin’s hand had felt like, and what it might feel like against other parts of his body.

“Right,” Colin said in a way that indicated he had heard it before. “I used to program a lot.”

“You stopped?”

“It doesn’t lead to anything. You should try writing instead.”

“Bandersnatch,” Stefan said. What he really wanted to say was ‘oh, now I understand. It’s about a programmer who goes crazy because when YOU programmed, mr. Colin Ritman, YOU went crazy!’ Of course he did not say that, but Colin seemed to understand exactly what Stefan wanted to have said.

“No,” Colin said and shook his head with a smile. “You’re clever, though. But no, it’s not exactly about me. You could say it was inspired by somebody I knew in another life.”

It was a strange conversation, because Stefan knew he had not read Bandersnatch before moving into their spare room. In fact, there was no way he could have read a book by that name, as it was released only a month ago. Yet there was some weird feeling, a feeling like that he knew exactly what Colin had been talking about. 

In the end of their conversation, Colin had not said goodbye. He had looked at Stefan with a sad type of look. One of longing, one of recognition. Had he known him in another life? Stefan could not move, paralyzed in place when Colin reached towards Stefan’s face, a finger trailing down his jawline and to his neck, before settling on his shoulder. Colin squeezed his shoulder before smiling sadly at Stefan and entering his own apartment.

There were no more interactions with the Ritmans in October, but Stefan only had himself to blame. He avoided them at all costs, and he especially avoided leaving dirty sheets after a horrible nightmare in his room. It was three in the morning, Stefan being woken up from yet another dream of being chased by a lion figure, sheets soaked and tears in his eyes. He immediately went down to the apartment block’s common laundry room and made sure his sheets were clean by the morning. When he came back to his room it was almost five in the morning, and Stefan figured it was useless to try to sleep now anyway, and instead decided to get some studying done.

The Ritmans seemed quite strange, Stefan decided as he was looking out of his peephole, seeing Colin Ritman holding a boy’s hand, the boy being about the same age as Stefan himself, while Kitty was waiting in the doorway, a smirk on her face. The boy seemed excited. 

Stefan was angry, but he did not know about what. When he heard Thunk Thunk Thunk, he decided it was enough, and went for a late night walk instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i couldnt help myself i guess  
> i think this chapter gives a more clear view of where im going but in reality i dont even know where im going myself so...???


	3. November

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i loved/hated writing this chapter

November was never a great month in Stefan’s life. His mother had died in November. His best friend had told him that he was disgusting in November. This November was shaping up to be different. Stefan had his life somewhat under control, university work was not too much and his programming skills were getting better by the day, and he was taking his medication every single day. What was not going too well was his social life. In fact, he did not have one.

When Kitty invited him over one Friday night in November, Stefan was actually shocked. He only ever saw people enter and exit their apartment late at night and he presumed he was not invited for the same reasons as they were… Not that Stefan knew exactly what they did with the people they brought over, but he had his suspicions. It was nice, however, and he was grateful but at the same time so god damn nervous to face either of them. It was like entering a secret lair, but he assumed it was normal for people to actually hang out with the person they were renting a room from.

So Stefan had gotten himself prepared by throwing on the nicest shirt he could find, not that he had many, and stood outside their door at seven on the dot. It was getting darker outside which only added to the strange mood. Kitty opened the door with a big smile and invited him in to sit on the sofa. He obliged and sat down, his knees impossibly squeezed together and his sweaty palms on his lap. Colin came into view and sat next to him, a smirk on his face, eyebrows slightly raised and something that looked like a cigarette in hand. It only took Stefan a second to figure it was not a cigarette.

Kitty was holding the baby, even asked Stefan if he wanted to hold her. Her name was Pearl, and Colin affectionately introduced her as ‘daddy’s little legacy’, to which Stefan felt a weird twitch in his groin and a weird twitch in his chest. It was not comfortable, and Stefan did not want to hold her. She was cute admittedly but Stefan felt something strange towards her. A sting somewhere deep in his stomach, like somebody was playing with his heartstrings. Kitty smiled and shared a look with Colin before she exited the room to put Pearl down to sleep. 

Their apartment was big, and it suddenly made sense why they had an extra room that was basically its own small apartment, and why they could afford to charge Stefan so little. The walls were covered in strange abstract art and the sofa was bright red, along with all the other furniture being a mismatch of other colours. It made sense, though, Stefan thought as he looked around, clutching a cup of tea in his hands. It looked expensive, stylish, but strange, and he felt like he immediately understood better who exactly the Ritmans were.

“You look tense,” Colin remarked as he leaned back on the sofa.

“Do I?” Stefan said. It was not a rhetorical question, not in any way meant to be a joke, but Colin laughed.

“Yeah, you should relax,” Colin said. “I don’t bite.” Stefan doubted that. “You interested?”

Colin was holding up the joint, looking at Stefan with raised eyebrows. “I haven’t ever really…”

“Come on,” Colin said. Stefan then stayed silent while Colin lit the joint and put it between his lips, taking in a deep breath. Stefan could not stop looking when Colin breathed it out, slowly, almost sensually, like he was intentionally doing it to put up a show. He then reached it over to Stefan. 

Stefan took it, despite knowing he might end up regretting it. Colin watched him closely as he took a puff, inhaling the smoke slowly like he had seen Colin do, and breathed it out before coughing a little bit.

“You’ll get the hang of that,” Colin said as if he knew it would happen again. “We won’t do anything harder than weed now, not since the baby.”

“Okay,” Stefan said. He actually had no idea what to say other than ‘okay’, not when Colin Ritman was so near him and Stefan could feel his scent. It was weird, but he recognized it. It was like this scent was what he was born into, what had greeted him the moment he was brought into the world.

Without warning, in about the span of two seconds, Colin had moved to sit impossibly close to Stefan, looking at him like he could read his thoughts. Maybe it was the weed, but Stefan wished that Colin actually could. Colin’s eyes were a pale blue colour and Stefan could not look away from them, not when it felt so natural, so familiar, like he was supposed to be there. He gulped when Colin came even closer.

“Maybe this lifetime will be better,” he said and raised his hand to put a strand of Stefan’s hair back where it was supposed to be. Stefan’s heart quickened. Colin’s hand was still there, still around his face, now trailing down his cheek, to his chin, back up to his mouth. Stefan instinctively parted his lips in the slightest way, and Colin’s finger traced the inside of his lower lip for a moment, before his hand moved to the back of his neck. Colin’s mouth was suddenly there, on his neck, kissing, licking, biting. So much for not biting. 

Stefan was in a haze, confused, because he knew somewhere deep down they had done this before. It was in his muscle memory to lean his head back, to let Colin do this to him. Suddenly they were kissing, and Stefan had no idea where he was anymore. All he could feel was hormone levels rising, blood pumping, Colin’s lips.

It was only interrupted by Kitty making her presence known, standing by the door, biting her lip at the sight, and it all became clear to Stefan in an instant. He pulled away from Colin, made some silly excuse, and tried to brush everything off. Neither Kitty nor Colin looked disappointed when he left.

Stefan threw himself on his bed and buried his face in his pillow. He cursed his body for his cock still being hard, and cursed it once again when it grew harder once the Thunk Thunk Thunk came back. At least now he knew what they were thinking of, or he could guess.

Colin had said ‘Maybe this lifetime will be better’. In this state of mind, slightly high and so turned on that he did not know what to do with himself, it made sense. This lifetime implied there had been other lifetimes. Stefan’s hand, without Stefan willing it so, reached down and grabbed his erection, jerking off slowly to the sounds of pleasure coming from the other bedroom, Kitty’s high-pitched begging and Colin’s low grunts and curses. 

Saturday was embarrassing. Stefan wondered how he could ever dare to face the Ritmans again, and decided to stay in his room for the duration of the day, until he heard them leave the apartment at around seven in the evening. Stefan then left his room, as he was running dangerously low on food and simply had to buy some more. He made quick business of it, walking to the nearest convenience store and getting the simplest microwave food he could find, before he walked across the aisle stacked with alcohol. In his teens, Stefan had not been a big drinker, but he enjoyed casually drinking by himself, listening to music, and daydreaming. He figured if he needed escape at any point, today was definitely the day. Thus he grabbed the smallest bottle of vodka and made his way to pay.

Getting drunk was a good choice, he decided, when he was lying on his back in the bed, staring up into the ceiling and giggling at absolutely nothing. Everything was funny, everything was good, and even thinking about last night was not too bad. It was actually kind of nice.

That niceness is what brought him to the Ritmans’ door. Stefan knew he had to be there. He was meant to be there, and Colin seemed to think so too as he opened the door and explained he and Kitty had been out to dinner and just came back home. Colin had just lit a joint and urged Stefan to sit, just like last night, and Stefan sat next to Colin, close, almost too close.

There was no awkwardness. Stefan floated into it and leaned into Colin's touch, even moaning when Colin bit a little to hard at his neck. He knew what they wanted now, and going into it knowing that made it easy. Way too easy, Stefan thought as Kitty sat down on the sofa, a hand on his shoulder. Stefan turned around, leaned against Colin's chest and Colin moved his legs so that Stefan was sitting in between them. A big hand on the side of his head urged him to tilt it to the side, and Colin went back to kissing, biting, sucking, most definitely leaving marks on his neck. Kitty's hands were on his thighs, unbuttoning Stefan's jeans with ease, and Stefan felt something against his back. Colin was hard, and that tiny realization made Stefan shudder and lean into Colin even harder.

It felt so, so right when he felt the inside of Kitty's mouth on his cock. It was so soft, so gentle, and Stefan was so out of it that he could do nothing but let himself get into it. Colin pulled at his hair and all the sensations combined were too much, but he had nowhere to go. He was stuck, and he loved it. Erection pressing against Stefan's back, Colin groaned and let his hands roam Stefan's chest, never stopping, like he was trying to take in everything that was Stefan.

He did not know how, but somehow he ended up on their king sized bed, clothes forgotten somewhere in the living room. Colin was gentle at first but Stefan whined. He craved something more, and he realized what when Colin's big hands were roaming his entire body. He needed to feel small. He needed to feel dominated. Colin just knew, and propped Stefan up on his knees. Kitty was sat on the other side of the bed, but Stefan could not concentrate on what she was doing when he felt Colin's lubed finger at his hole. He wanted to open up, let Colin in, consume him. That sense of familiarity stayed with him as Colin fingered him, pulled his hair and whispered filthy things into his ear. Absentmindedly, Stefan wondered if they did this with all the people they brought over.

It was too much. All too much when Colin entered him. He was bigger than Stefan remembered, but then again, how could he possibly remember? He had never once been in a situation close to this, and especially not with Colin Ritman and his wife. He wanted to be filled up, stuffed, and Colin knew because he moved one hand to put a few fingers in Stefan's mouth, dragged them along his tongue, into his throat. Stefan gagged but Colin did not remove his fingers, which just made everything better.

The alcohol was not wearing off, Stefan realized when he came into the sheets. He was dizzy and disoriented, vision blurred and all he could see was Colin's face between Kitty's legs and Kitty arching her back. Stefan watched for only a moment before his eyes were forcing themselves shut, sleepiness overcoming him.

He thought he was asleep, but he was brought out of his gentle slumber when he felt big, strong arms wrap around him from behind and a soft kiss on his forehead from the front.

“That was nice, yeah, Stefan?” Kitty said. Stefan knew he would be embarrassed by this in the morning, but right now it did not matter.

“Yeah,” he said and Kitty went even closer to him. As did Colin. He laid there, fell asleep there in between them, like a strange Stefan sandwich. 

Everything was strange, and it felt even more strange when Stefan woke up to the sound of a baby crying. It was still dark outside, so Stefan carefully untangled himself from Colin's arms, went out of the bed, took his clothes and quickly made his way back to his own bed. Everything was strange, but the strangest thing was that Stefan dreamed of it once he fell asleep in his bed.

He also had a dream of a balcony. A balcony much like the one in the Ritmans’ apartment, but it was in the middle of London, a warm night in September. There was Colin, right in front of him, commenting on how nice the breeze was, and Stefan felt he had to make a decision. He saw Colin sitting on the railing.

“See you around,” Colin said and flung his legs over the edge, falling down, hitting the container below with a harsh smack and Stefan could almost feel the way Colin’s spine cracked upon impact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who else is not over bandersnatch put your hands up


	4. December

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> longish chapter ahead

December was always cold, but not always as cold as it was now. There was snow and rain mixed together on the streets and Stefan’s trainers were soaked once he got back home from university. He put them on a newspaper by the door to let them dry off and laid on the bed to try to calm his mind.

There had been no contact with the Ritmans over the last week and Stefan did not know if he should be happy or sad. He was sad because a new feeling had etched itself onto his heart, clinging onto him and dragging him behind whenever he thought of Colin Ritman. It was not necessarily a crush. It felt like more than just a simple crush. Stefan was also happy that he had not seen them, because he could only imagine how awkward he would feel. When he thought back to that night it felt like watching somebody else's memories. He had not been present. It was more like some entity, some strange version of himself had entered his body and taken control of him. In hindsight, Stefan thought that he should never have gone over to them. The lack of control was terrifying.

Thus, when Colin invited him over one night, saying that Kitty was at her parents’ house with Pearl, Stefan was surprised to find himself saying yes. Something in his body, in his very core just needed him to see Colin again. His body craved the familiarity now that he was far from his childhood home and from his father, but his mind kept telling him that it was a bad idea. In the end, it was his body that had control, and it lead him to the Ritmans’ door early in the evening. Colin looked stunning in a way that Stefan could not put into words if he had tried. It was like seeing something from his childhood, a vague memory, just a still frame of something he had since long forgotten.

That feeling stayed with him when Colin lead him to the sofa in which they sat, smoking a joint for a little while, Stefan feeling awkward but not as awkward as he thought he would. There he was, Colin Ritman. Famous sci-fi writer. Successful family man. And he had been inside of Stefan. 

“Don’t tell Kitty about this, would you?” Colin said after a few moments, having just taken a big puff of the joint, now reaching it over to Stefan.

“About- About what?” Stefan said and took it. Colin shrugged and smiled.

“We usually do this together. Don’t think she’d appreciate me having you over by myself.”

“Oh,” Stefan said, something heavy dropping in his stomach. It was confusing but his body was telling him it was all okay, and he found himself wondering when it would all begin. When was Colin going to come over, when was Colin going to start biting at his neck, when would he hold Stefan close like one would hold a baby? He tried to physically shrug the thoughts away.

“What’s that?” Colin said when he noticed the shrug. “You cold?”

Stefan hummed in response, hoping for god knows what. Maybe that Colin would sit close to him. Maybe that Colin would say that the bed is much warmer. Of course, Stefan got what he wanted. 

Colin knew how to read minds, Stefan concluded as Colin took his hand, put him in bed, and started to kiss him everywhere he could reach. His entire body was covered in Colin and Stefan wanted so badly to stay in it. He wanted to smell like Colin, look like Colin, be a part of Colin in some way. He wanted to swallow Colin whole, and that seemed to please him as Stefan started to suck on his cock with such ferocity that Colin sucked in air between his teeth before chuckling and weaving a hand through Stefan’s hair.

“You’re a good boy, aren’t you?” Colin said in a low hum and Stefan felt himself twitch as he stayed there in between Colin’s legs. Stefan could only nod in response, mouth full of Colin and head full of conflicting emotions. “I knew you were. You look like you would be shy in bed, but-”

Stefan swirled his tongue around the head, pressing it against the underside and Colin was left speechless, only able to form one syllable words such as ‘fuck’, ‘damn’, and ‘god’. For some reason the word god felt wrong coming out of Colin’s mouth.

Stefan wanted it so bad and he knew it was about to come. He wanted to be completely filled by Colin, stuffed in every way possible, absorb Colin’s very essence. So when Colin started jerking, moves uncoordinated as he fucked Stefan’s throat, Stefan could not hold back either. He had never once before came without any stimulation, but now he felt that it was close, and it was almost embarrassing. Colin filled his mouth with cum, fucked deep into his throat, coated his stomach with it, and Stefan came into his trousers.

As soon as he did, he snapped back into reality. His trousers and underwear were sticky and uncomfortable. There was semen in and around his mouth and there was Colin, breathing heavily and looking down at Stefan with a blank look.

“Shit,” Colin said. “Shit, shit, shit.”

Stefan did not know what to do and chose to stay seated on the bed as Colin paced the room. Stefan knew. There had always been some sort of agreement between Colin and Kitty, and even though they had not gone all the way tonight, Colin had somehow broken the contract.

“You got to go,” Colin said and Stefan whimpered, almost cried, as if he had gone back to some undeveloped stage, a toddler having a tantrum, hating being told no.

“I want to stay,” Stefan said, voice shaky. He really, really did. He wanted to be held like last time, safe as if he was in his father’s arms, feeling innocent, good like only a child could. Colin looked at him with a look of utter sympathy. Stefan knew that Colin wanted him to stay too, but his conscious mind also knew that it was wrong.

Of course Colin drove him away. They were always so close, so close, but Stefan could not get near him. He did not know how to deal with that and decided to shut himself in his room, only ever going out to go to university.

Kitty came back and after that, Colin would not as much as look at Stefan. Normally, Stefan would be angry at him, but he was angry at somebody else now. There were Kitty and Pearl, happily staying there with their patriarch. When the Thunk Thunk Thunk came back, Stefan did all he could to hold back the tears. It should be him instead. It should be him in that bed. It should be him getting held by Colin, not Pearl. It should be him getting fucked by Colin, not Kitty. That was a feeling he could not let go of. Something was deeply wrong with this lifetime, this timeline, the way this world had decided to keep them apart.

When a dorm room opened up at campus, Stefan immediately moved there. The silence from Colin, the way he would not acknowledge his existence was bearable, but he could not stay there one more night listening to Colin fucking Kitty or Colin getting up in the middle of the night to change Pearl’s diaper. This dorm room was his way out, and even though he had sworn to himself to never stay at campus, he was glad he did.

Stefan now had a roommate. Daniel smoked and drank and sometimes brought girls over, which Stefan was not unhappy about. Now that Stefan had smoked a few times, the familiar smell of marijuana did not scare him, and he even welcomed it. They smoked together, drank sometimes, and watched silly tv-shows on Netflix late at night when both of them had lectures at ten in the morning. It was quite a nice new routine, and Stefan found that thinking back at his stay with the Ritmans felt like a strange dream. It was even quite embarrassing to think back at. 

Fridays were always the most fun. Daniel seemed to know absolutely everybody, and after a night at the pub there were almost always girls coming back with them to their dorm. So far, Stefan had not seen one he had liked, but that changed this evening when a gorgeous brunette with a dashing smile and eyes that sparkled came into their dorm. She seemed equally interested in Stefan and when everybody had left, she stayed. 

Stefan’s bed was not big enough for two, he realized as he fumbled in the dark, occasionally laughing at the awkward situation together with the brunette. She did not mind the size of the bed. She was wet and he was hard and it all seemed to come together perfectly but halfway through it, something was deeply, deeply wrong. Stefan could not do it. Even though she was perfect, she was not Colin. She could never grab him, take him, and Stefan could never want to absorb her very essence like he wanted to absorb Colin.

“Arsehole,” she said before slamming the door. Stefan could not bring himself to care but he could hear Daniel laugh from the other bed, a deep drunken laugh, loud and clear. 

“What?” Stefan said and threw a pillow at Daniel before he started laughing himself.

“Nothing,” Daniel laughed and from the light of the street, Stefan could see that Daniel was sitting up, leaned against the wall. “She was well hot.”

“I’m too fucked up,” Stefan groaned and put his arms over his head. 

“Sure,” Daniel said and sat up straight, just looking at Stefan. Stefan could tell that he was being watched, but he did not dare to look back at him. Letting out a sigh, Stefan turned to his side and peeked through his arms at Daniel. It was quite inviting. He was not a bad looking man, quite the opposite actually, with sandy blond hair and a well sculpted chest illuminated by the light from the street. Stefan had to bite his lip, his still hard dick twitching in his underwear.

“What are you looking at?” Stefan asked after a moment - a much too long moment - of silence.

“Nothing,” Daniel said and turned his head, a little smile on his lips. “Are you gay?”

The question was sudden and abrupt, but Stefan had sort of expected it. 

“No,” he said. “I’m bi.”

“Oh, alright,” Daniel said, moving to sit more comfortably in his bed. Stefan lowered his arms and just looked at him, inspecting every move, half expecting him to go to sleep right then and there, half expecting him to come over to Stefan’s bed.

“Have you ever been with a guy?” Stefan asked, his drunken courage surprising even himself. 

“No, no,” Daniel said, seeming surprised, even mildly offended by the question.

“Have you ever thought about it?”

Daniel was silent from that point. Watching Stefan seemed to take up his entire brain. Stefan felt Daniel through his boxers and he was hard, big, bigger than Colin and more handsome than Colin and seemed way more fascinated by Stefan’s body than Colin. Daniel’s hands were everywhere, in his mouth, on his arse, and Stefan felt like heaven. Worshipped, almost, he thought as Daniel’s hands wrapped around his neck. Worshipped.

The next morning Stefan’s arse was sore and even standing up was a hard task. His muscles felt all worn, as if he had ran a marathon, and he winced as he walked over to the bathroom. Daniel was still in bed, face turned to the wall, clutching a pillow close to his naked chest. Stefan only allowed himself to look at him for a second before he went to brush his teeth.

There were no words. Daniel got up from bed, visible in the mirror as he went to hug Stefan from behind, arms wrapping around his waist and chin resting on his shoulder. Stefan let himself lean into it, putting one hand on Daniel’s wrist as he used the other one to brush his teeth. 

Night after night, Daniel climbed on top of him, touched him, even sometimes cuddled him afterwards. During the day, Stefan never felt anything for Daniel, but at night it was always different. Almost like they were a couple. Making small jokes once in a while, teasing each other, wrestling like two normal boys would, but it ended up with Daniel on top of Stefan or vice versa. Nobody said anything. It was normal.

To Stefan, it felt wrong somehow. In a way he thought he might grow to like Daniel as something more than a friend or a fuckbuddy, but something in his subconscious was holding him back from even considering the idea. Daniel was missing something. Bleached-blond hair, thick glasses, a sort of grace that only a timeless spirit could have. Something so rough and smooth at the same time.

Something was not quite right and Stefan knew that if he went for Daniel, something deeply unsettling might happen. That image of a lion figure popped up into his head when Daniel wanted to cuddle one night after he had fucked Stefan hard into the bed, face pressed into the pillow, arse up in the air. Daniel was that lion, that thief of destiny, the one that might rob Stefan of his true fate.

Besides, it could never work in practice. Openly, Daniel was heterosexual and being seen with Stefan in public would not be ideal for him. Stefan saw how he looked away as soon as their eyes met one night at the pub close to campus. Even if nobody knew, it was obvious that Daniel was absolutely terrified of being found out as whatever it was. It annoyed Stefan, even if he himself did not want to be in an actual relationship with Daniel.

It annoyed him to the point of that when they met a couple of friends out at a bar nearby to celebrate the end of semester, one of which was a guy Stefan knew had come out as gay, he did everything in his power to make Daniel nervous. He flirted with this guy, laughed at all his jokes, sat as close to him as possible, and Daniel had a hard time keeping his jealousy under wraps. When Stefan leaned in to kiss the guy, Daniel left the bar.

Stefan left right after and half expected to see Daniel waiting for him outside, but he was nowhere to be seen. It was embarrassing, silly, so very childish of Stefan to think that, but he could not help himself. He found Daniel back at the dorm, chatting up a girl, a hand on her hip and a smile on his face. When Stefan came into view, Daniel shot him a single look before leaning in to kiss the girl.

Both of them were equally childish, but Stefan realized that he had been the stupid one when Daniel left the dorm for Christmas and did not even stop to say goodbye to Stefan.

Stefan also went home to London for Christmas. His father had never made a big fuzz about traditions, but this year his sister was coming to celebrate with them in England, bringing her husband and their twin daughters, so he had put up a Christmas tree with accompanying Christmas lights and decorations throughout the apartment. Of course he never pressured Stefan to join in, knowing that they had had their fair share of rows before Stefan had gone off to university, and was happy enough when Stefan joined him for dinner. He actually quite enjoyed spending time with his cousins. They were innocent in the way they played, building snowmen and throwing snowballs at one another in the backyard, and Stefan finally felt somewhat peaceful again. In such a short time, everything had changed and being back in such a pure mindset was exactly what he had been craving.

It was short lived however, as Stefan could not stand to be around his father for more than a few days anymore. The day before new years eve was the last time he spent at home before taking the earliest train he could back to his university town, back to Daniel and back to programming. It was quite a shock to see that everything except Stefan’s own things had been cleared out of the dorm room once he returned. Of course Stefan would have scared Daniel off. 

Stefan punched the wall, hurting his own hand more than it hurt the wall. There was only a minor indent, no more noticeable than a hammer having missed its target. 

New years eve came and Stefan was alone. He was with so called ‘friends’ that he had known for less than three weeks and drunk people everywhere and the pub was damp and cramped and he was alone. So very alone as he stood there, not really having anybody to talk to. Therefore, he decided to pass time by drinking. One beer after another until it was ten in the evening and he was unstable on his feet. He swayed from side to side, got support from the wall, and felt that if he tried to stay upright for another moment he would just fall. The door was opened for him and he went outside.

Somebody had opened the door for him.

“Going out for a cig?” she said, cute voice, cute eyes, or at least they were in Stefan’s drunken state of mind.

“Yeah,” Stefan smiled. “Actually I don’t have one though.”

“Good thing I do,” she said and handed him one. 

Stefan did not smoke, usually, and the strange feeling of tar coating the insides of his lungs was much too strange for him. The menthol tasted like metal. He physically winced and she commented on it, telling him that he did not need to smoke unless he wanted to, to which he put the cigarette in her mouth instead.

He did not know exactly how it happened, but it ended up with her against a bathroom wall, his hands on her thighs, her mouth on his. Stefan did not even know why he did it. The alcohol was hitting him hard, clouding his judgment, but even that did not mask the fact that there had to be another reason. Stefan was not so out of it that he was incapable of rational thought, rather he did not want to think about it rationally. He wanted to blame everything on the alcohol, everything from that he was about to have sex with a random girl in the bathroom of a pub, to that he could not get his dick hard. 

She ended up leaving, having gotten annoyed at him when he shut off, and he thought it was probably for the best. There was an hour until midnight, and Stefan did not want to spend the rest of 2018 in a pub with people he did not know. 

Where had he asked the taxi driver to take him? He could not recall, but he had a good feeling about it right up until the moment the car pulled in to a street Stefan recognized. High rises and concrete, anxiety and longing. Stefan had to see him, and he did not care if Kitty and Pearl were home.

Like a sign from god, Colin told him that they were at her parents’ house over the holiday. Why Colin had not come with was still a mystery. He was, however, hanging on by the doorway, the door only being opened a few inches, pupils dilated and music echoing from within the apartment. Stefan begged to be let inside, his hands on Colin’s chest, pleading and crying when Colin stayed cold.

“Please, Colin, it doesn’t work with anyone else,” he said, attempting to push himself closer to Colin.

“What doesn’t work?”

“I don’t know. Nothing works,” Stefan sighed, tears already forming in his eyes at the lack of response from Colin. It was like an instinct, the need to be close, the need to be comforted by nobody but Colin himself. “Something is wrong when I’m with other people.”

Colin did not look angry in the way that Stefan expected. It was more like Stefan had forced Colin to face something he had been trying to escape for a lifetime.

“You’re drunk,” Colin said, but the statement did not hold much power when Colin himself looked like he had snorted a brick.

“Yeah,” Stefan said. “Doesn’t change anything, right?”

Colin sighed, keeping eye contact with Stefan, looking over his worn out jacket and tousled hair and hazel eyes and Stefan knew that Colin felt the same thing as he did in that moment. Stefan was pulled into the apartment, pulled into Colin. A peace spread throughout his body, all the way from his core and into his fingertips. Like being back in his mother’s womb.

Colin pulled him out on the balcony and they stood there, Stefan’s back against Colin’s chest, tears dried up on his cheeks and the only feeling he felt was safety. Maybe tomorrow he would tell Colin about Daniel and about the girls, why he had felt that they were all wrong. Maybe tomorrow he would have figured out why they were all wrong. For now, he would enjoy the last few seconds of the year together with somebody he barely knew, but somebody he felt an immense connection to.

Fireworks had been going off all night, but suddenly they increased tenfold, and Stefan turned to look at Colin. Their eyes met for the briefest moment before Colin leaned in to kiss Stefan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this became way more complicated than i thought it would but meh


	5. January

The first night of 2019 was spent in Colin’s bed. It had started with Colin’s probing hands, Stefan’s response to it being no more than a string of moans, and ended with Stefan completely destroyed, utterly ravaged and tired. By three in the morning, Colin was lying sweaty in bed, pupils not as dilated as before, panting as he smiled over at Stefan on the other side of the bed. Stefan was lying with his head on Colin’s arm, almost equally sweaty, most likely even happier than Colin.

Stefan had not asked why Colin was doing this, why he no longer seemed to care about Kitty, why Kitty was not even at home and why Colin had obviously taken something stronger than weed even though he had previously told Stefan that he did not do that ever since the arrival of the baby. 

It was not like he did not want to ask. However, more than wanting to ask, he felt that he needed to. In his mind, this meant something bigger. He felt it everytime Colin looked at him. He felt it everytime Colin touched him. He felt it especially when Colin was inside him. It was just right. He felt part of something bigger whenever he was being fucked by Colin, in a way he had never felt during one of those drunken nights with Daniel.

He fell asleep in that position, Colin still smiling, still laughing randomly, seeming more awake than he had ever been. Stefan however could not keep his eyes open whenever he laid in Colin’s arms. They were like a lullaby in themselves and they calmed him to the point that nightmares were not a thing he even thought about.

When he woke up, he expected to be greeted by the same thing. The sun was out and the bed bathed in sunlight, so Stefan stretched out his arms, reaching for Colin but never finding him. He opened his eyes, eyebrows furrowed, confused as to where Colin had gone.

He ended up finding Colin sitting in the sofa by the window, admiring the view, but facial expression indicating that something was on his mind. 

“Colin,” Stefan said, shyly, which surprised even himself because of what they had been doing all night. Being shy at that point was not an option, so when he did not get a response, he went up to Colin, leaned into him, hugged him while standing. He felt Colin’s hand on his back, loosely petting him, but it felt wrong. Something was wrong. As if he was looking at himself, he knew exactly what Colin was thinking. He took a breath before repeating the name. “Colin?”

“Stefan,” Colin sighed and finally raised his eyes to meet Stefan’s. “Grab a pew.”

Stefan sat down on the sofa, so very different from all the other times he had sat down on it, hopeful and innocent. 

“What- What is it?” Stefan said, a knot in his stomach forming. He was nervous even though he knew exactly what Colin would say. There was still some hope, a slim chance that just maybe Colin would change his mind, choose Stefan, because just maybe he felt the same about Stefan as Stefan did about Colin. Like it was meant to be, like it was just right, like they were pleasing all the gods and the universe when they were together.

“You can’t come back here,” Colin said, grabbing a cigarette and lighting it. Stefan had prepared himself to hear it for a solid ten seconds, which was nowhere near enough time. Oh god, he needed time. Time to process it, to even begin to process the feeling that maybe Colin and Stefan were somehow meant to be together in this lifetime and the one before and the one after, like their story had been told over and over, like it would keep happening again and again in different ways each time. Their creator wanted them together in this story, and Stefan knew it. Somewhere deep down, Stefan knew that Colin knew it too.

Colin knew more than that. He also knew that in this lifetime, this story, he had Kitty and his baby. He could not simply leave all that behind, even if it would be something to please the gods and the angels and the universe itself. 

So Stefan left. His heart had been ripped out. Like a rip in spacetime itself, something was so deeply wrong. Everything was supposed to be perfect now. After such a night, how could Colin even consider anything other than being with Stefan? Even if his heart was torn apart, he was determined. He was angry. If he could not have Colin, there was no point anymore. After having known him for just over three months, Stefan already knew that this story would end soon, because without Colin, there was no story. 

If there was no story, he could do whatever he wanted. The first thing he did after leaving the apartment was to go to the grocery store and buy a couple of bottles of vodka. He then made his way back to the dorm, considering contacting Daniel before laughing at the idea. If Daniel cared about him in any way, he would have stayed, or at the very least told him that he was leaving. Stefan knew now that it was because of him that Daniel had left. Of course it was.

When he reached his dorm, he found a cute brunette standing in the corridor, having a conversation with another girl, smiling and laughing once in a while. Stefan recognized her but did not know from where until he approached her. It was the girl from before, the one from his bed, the one he could not fuck because he wanted a man. He laughed at himself, considering just going into his room but then again, if nothing mattered, if the story was over anyway, why should he care that it might be embarrassing?

She did not seem to think it was embarrassing, not even when he had to ask her what her name was again. Her name was Emma and she was looking to have a chill evening, considering the partying she had done on new years eve, but once she saw the bottles of vodka she seemed to budge. 

Now that his dorm room was empty except for his own things, there was no reason for him to keep quiet. It was just him and Emma, Emma’s weed which was nowhere near as good as Colin’s, Stefan’s vodka which tasted worse and worse with each shot. Emma tasted better and better with each shot. He could not tell if it was the weed or the alcohol, but something was telling him to get closer and closer to her.

It was also telling him to think of Colin at the same time. Fuck, Stefan thought and tried to force away the thoughts as he dipped down, kissing Emma’s stomach, mouth ghosting over her belly button and the hem of her jeans. Colin’s jeans. Emma’s moans. The smell of smoke. The smell of weed. The way Emma’s hands twisted in his hair as he went down on her. The feeling of Colin’s sperm on his back, in his mouth, all over his face, Colin, Colin, Colin.

Stefan blinked hard, as if to blink away the memories, but they were persistent, kept coming back with a new wave of force every time he tried to get rid of them.

“Don’t stop,” Emma moaned but Stefan did not take orders. He was going to fuck her hard enough to get Colin out of his mind. She seemed to enjoy it.

Afterwards, Stefan felt guilty. Even if the story was over now, he had done something that contradicted where the story was meant to go. The story was never meant to be about anybody else but Colin, but it was also never supposed to end on the note that it did. It was meant to end with Colin giving up everything for Stefan like he had done so many times before, completely surrendering himself, letting himself be loved. The story had ended too early, too abruptly, but there was nothing Stefan could do about it.

He choked back a sob but was unable to keep back a few tears. Emma turned and got an amused look on her face.

“Are you… Are you crying?” she laughed and brought her fingers to his face, wiping away the tears.

“Fucking hell, yeah,” Stefan said, forcing a laugh. “I’m just so fucked.”

“Me too,” she said and laid back down, looking up at the ceiling. “Way better than last time.”

Stefan thought back to the last time he had met her. He had not gone all the way, because the story was not over yet and there was still some hope for Colin and Stefan in this lifetime.

“Mhmm,” Stefan hummed and put his hand up as if to touch the ceiling.

“But you should work on the crying,” Emma giggled.

Emma left around midnight with the promise that they would meet again soon. Stefan even got a kiss goodbye. Sadly, they did not meet again, because each time he saw her, he avoided her like the plague. Hiding, not answering calls and always being on the lookout seemed to be his new routine. Eventually she seemed to forget about it, and the calls stopped coming. 

January moved slowly, each day harder than the last, snow melting and coming back the next day, making the streets icy and slippery to the point that walking to lectures was a hard task. Stefan vowed to himself to move to a warm country as soon as possible. Perhaps he would move to his aunt’s house in the south of France. He could already imagine the it, the view, sitting on a roof terrace, drinking wine, looking out over the mediterranean. Perhaps there would even be a handsome frenchman by his side. 

Despite these thoughts of the future, peace was not on his mind. He tried so hard everyday but the feeling of everything being somehow just off overpowered everything. Everything made him angry. The world no longer felt real, because it was not. The story was over. Why was Stefan even continuing then? It was as if he knew it was not over, even though he had no way of actually knowing. That is what made him realise he was in control. He chose when the story was over.

He only had to count to three before he found himself outside the Ritmans’ apartment block again. Smirking at himself for figuring out how this world, this lifetime and this story worked, he made his way inside, knocking on Colin’s door before he could even register or think through what he was doing.

It was, thankfully, Colin who opened, but when he did, he immediately got a nervous expression on his face.

“I’m assuming you aren’t just going to leave if I tell you to?” Colin said.

“No, probably not,” Stefan said.

“So what is it?”

“I think we are meant to be together.”

“You do realise how stupid that sounds? I mean, you don’t know me, I don’t know you-”

“But we do know each other,” Stefan said. Before Colin could interrupt him, he continued. “And I know that you know it too. I can feel it. I have these dreams of us - and I know they aren’t just dreams - about us but in sort of other… lives?”

“Right.” Colin looked at him. He was provoked, but he was not angry. Colin shifted to look behind Stefan, as if expecting somebody to be standing behind him. “You need me to call someone?”

“Come on, Colin,” Stefan begged. “Just listen.”

Colin sighed. “Alright, I will listen.”

“One time I dreamt that you jumped off of a balcony,” Stefan said. “And I know it was real, because Kitty was there and Pearl too and I could feel how your spine snapped.” He paused, now realising he was panting and Colin was looking at him sympathetically. “And I dreamt that- that I don’t know. I was with you and Kitty but I wasn’t me like I am now, I was… A baby?”

“What does any of that have to do with that we are ‘supposed to be together’?”

“There’s always a common theme,” Stefan said. “In all of them, all of them, in all the other lifetimes - we are together. Like some god or something, I don’t know, wants us to be together. Like we only exist because somebody wants to see us together.”

Colin was silent, but Stefan could no longer fill that silence. It was Colin’s turn to speak, to either confirm or deny the insane thoughts in Stefan’s head. The wait was torture, but somehow Stefan already knew that Colin was going to answer.

“Alright,” Colin said and stepped out of his apartment, coming closer to Stefan. “Yeah alright, that’s what you think the common theme is, yeah?”

“Yeah?” Stefan said.

“Think a little bit harder,” Colin said, no longer sounding just provoked, but more angry than before. It scared Stefan, as he had expected some sort of softness, some understanding, some love for Stefan because he knew that Colin did have love for him. “If we are together we die. Either you die or I die. If neither of us die, it’s someone else. Your dad. Kitty. Sometimes it’s Pearl.” Colin took a step closer to Stefan, lips pursed, eyes wide and furious. “You think the common theme is that we are together? The common theme is that we suffer. This fucked up god that has forced us to live through all these bullshit lifetimes doesn’t want to see us together. It wants to see us suffer.”

Stefan could not do anything but stay there, silent, watching Colin’s face, feeling wave after wave of memories of other timelines washing over him. He saw his father die over and over, he saw himself throwing Pearl onto a train track, he saw Kitty hanging in the bedroom, noose around her neck. It made him feel nauseous but at the same time it was nothing compared to the longing he had for Colin. He saw Colin with a cigarette in his mouth, driving down the southern coast of england, cringy 2000s hip hop playing on the radio. He saw Colin taking pictures of him naked after they had had sex, smiling when Stefan stroke a silly pose. He saw Colin in an eighties office, greeting him for the very first time.

“We’ve met before,” Colin had said, not as a question but as a statement.

“No,” Stefan had replied, confused.

“We’ve met before. I told you I’d see you around, and I was right.”

Stefan snapped back into reality to see a completely different Colin in front of him. A Colin he felt that he knew so well from so many different lives, so very close but also so far away. All he could feel was the need to be with him.

“But I love you,” Stefan said, voice hollow and empty.

Colin did not look angry anymore. He looked like he knew exactly what Stefan was thinking.

“And I love you,” he said after a moment.

“What’s taking so long?” Kitty shouted from within the apartment, pulling both of them out of the moment.

“Nothin’, I’ll be right there,” Colin replied, keeping his eyes on Stefan who was feeling not only hopeless, but so incredibly out of place, like he was stuck in a world that he did not belong to. Colin knew and stepped closer to Stefan. “Just do what you can with this lifetime. I’ll see you in the next one.”

Colin gave him the tiniest of kisses, just a brush of lips against each other, and Stefan kept his eyes closed until he knew for sure that Colin had gone back inside the apartment.

Colin was a curse, and an unbreakable one at that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was so much fun to write honestly! havent written anything this meta in like forever! i MIGHT (might) write another chapter for this but it depends if i know where to go w that. pls pls if u have any ideas send that to ma inbox and ill write it<3
> 
> mwah bless yall cuties who commented!!


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